So I recently got asked to do a second interview by the same website that interviewed me before, though now it was for a new — page? A new site? A new theme? I dunno, it was an interview, and it was all done through email, so that’s the kind of interview I like. They did a lovely job with both interviews, I thought. So go check it out, give them some views, maybe find out something about me and my writing.
And then a couple of months ago, a student of mine had to make a website about a teacher, and he chose me. I am a little displeased that he included every time I said “like” in the interview, but he was certainly accurate in his transcription. And otherwise, it’s a lovely site and a flattering compliment.
All right: and then, for some new content in this post, I looked up Bad Interview Questions, and got this list of 100. I am not going to answer them all: they are British, some are about sports, some are Gotcha questions about physics that I do not know. But maybe this will be fun. Let’s see.
Cue ridiculous interview questions…
1.‘ If you could be Batman or Robin, which one would you be?
Come on. Batman. Let’s not be stupid. Who the hell would say Robin? “Would you rather be a billionaire playboy who is secretly the coolest gadget-centric superhero in history — or a ward named after a bird?”
2.‘ What football team do you Support? ‘ Why them?
No, we’re not going to answer that.
3.‘ Do you prefer cats or dogs?
I do not. All pets are wonderful.
4.‘ Why on earth are you here today?
On Earth? As a human? I think our purpose as conscious beings is to experience the universe in whatever way we can. I think our purpose as human beings is to create art and discover truth. I want to do all of those things. I’m here today because it’s today, and I should be here: on this blog, posting.
5.’ What was the most traumatic experience to happen in your personal life?
Definitely not going to answer that one.
6.’ Sing a song that best describes you.
I mean…
7.‘ When you go on holiday, when do you pack your case?
Morning of or night before.
8.‘ What would I find in your fridge right now?
Food? Cheese, milk, soda, beer, leftovers, some vegetables, buncha condiments… food. Nothing shocking.
9.’ How would you explain a database in three sentences to your eight year old nephew?
My question would be: how the hell did I get an eight-year-old nephew?
10. ‘If aliens landed in front of you and, in exchange for anything you desire, offered you any position on their planet what would you want?
I don’t see the downside here. Why is this a trade?
11.’ If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
Imma go with Jameela Jamil. I’d like to be that beautiful once.
12.‘ If someone wrote a biography about you, what do you think the title should be?
Cap’n English Sings The Blues
13.‘ If I assembled three of your format supervisors in a room and asked them about you, what would they say about you that you would say is not true?
First YOU tell me what a format supervisor is.
If you asked my former principals, they would probably say that I was stubborn as hell. I’m not: except when the policy is stupid, and then no, I won’t obey it.
14.’ How would you design a spice rack for a blind person?
Specific single-jar dividers and either braille or raised letters to identify each spice.
15.‘ If you were a character from Star Wars, which one would you be?
Darth Vader because he’s the best. The most like me is probably Obi Wan Kenobi: I think I’m a good enough teacher, but I’ve probably helped create the end of all good things, and my winning move is sacrificing myself.
16.‘ Sell me this glass of water.
*Grabs collar*
*Smashes water glass across face*
*Threatens with shattered glass shards*
“GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!”
17.‘ What has been your most bizarre life experience?
Teaching for 24 years.
18.’ Why are manhole covers round?
So they don’t fall down the hole.
19.‘ What do you think would be a fitting epitaph on your gravestone?
“I’m Crowded…. Roll Over”
20.‘ What’s the most interesting holiday you’ve ever had?
My first Christmas with my wife, when she went back to visit my mom with me in Massachusetts and I almost killed her with a train.
21.‘ What would you choose as your last meal?
My own heart.
22. ‘How would you define your personal work-life balance in terms of ratio (50/50 70/30 etc)?
I think 50/50 is probably accurate, but I’d like to shift that to less work and more life, more like 30/70.
23.’ Given the numbers 1 to 1,000, what is the minimum number of guesses needed to find a specific number, if you are given the hint ‘higher’ or ‘lower’ for each guess you make?
One if you guess it right.
24.‘ Using a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how weird you are.
Banana.
25.‘ Explain quantum electrodynamics in two minutes, starting now.
26.‘ How many balloons would fit in this room?
Inflated? Several hundred. Empty? Probably hundreds of thousands.
27.‘ If you were shrunk to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?
I’d be poured out with the rest of the goo. Now you tell me why the fuck you picked a pencil as the size comparison for a question about blenders.
28.’ You have a bouquet of flowers. All but two are roses, all but two are daisies, and all but two are tulips. How many flowers do you have?
Three: one rose, one daisy, one tulip.
29.‘ What is the philosophy of martial arts?
30.‘ Explain to me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years
The culmination of the 50-year project by the corporatocracy to create their utopia, in which the rest of us rank somewhere between slaves and livestock.
31.‘ If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?
I’m tempted to say someone with infinite power, but I’d really just like to be Spider-man.
32.’ How do you weigh an elephant without using a scale?
Guess ten tons: if the elephant is flattered, double it; if the elephant is offended, halve it.
33.’ If you had 5,623 participants in a tournament, how many games would need to be played to determine the winner?
IT’S ME. I’M THE WINNER.
34.’ How many bricks are there in Shanghai? Consider only residential buildings.
No.
35.‘ You have five bottles of pills. One bottle has 9 gram pills; the others have 10 gram pills. You have a scale that can be used only once. How can you find out which bottle contains the 9 gram pills?
What the fuck kind of scale can only be used once?!?
36.‘ How would you market table tennis balls if table tennis itself became obsolete? List many ways, then pick one and go into detail.
I’d have my wife paint eyeballs on them.
37.’ How many Smartphones are there in London?
Nah.
38.’ You are in charge of 20 people. Organise them to figure out how many bicycles were sold in your area last year.
19 to ask around, one to ask you why you care.
39.‘ Why do you think only a small percentage of the population makes over ‘125,000 a year?
See Answer #30 about the corporatocracy. Income inequality is their mission.
40.‘ You have three boxes. One contains only apples, one contains only oranges, and one contains both apples and oranges. The boxes have been incorrectly labeled so that no label accurately identifies the contents of any of the boxes. Opening just one box, and without looking inside, you take out one piece of fruit. By looking at the fruit, how can you immediately label all of the boxes correctly?
Open the one that is labeled apples and oranges and pull out one fruit: if it’s an apple, then label that box as such, label the Orange box “Apples and Oranges” and the Apples box “Oranges.” If it’s an orange, reverse this.
41. ‘How many ball bearings, each one inch in diameter, can fit inside a 747 aircraft?
More than a couple.
42.‘ You need to check that your friend, James, has your correct phone number but you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card which and give it to Heidi who will take the card to James and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure James can encode the message so that Heidi cannot read your phone number?
JAMES WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I ASK YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER AND WHY DON’T I WANT HEIDI TO KNOW IT?
43.’ If you were given a free full-page ad in the newspaper and had to sell yourself in six words or less, how would the ad read?
“Buy me. I’m dope af. 100.” Gotta appeal to that Gen Z demo.
44.’ How do you feel about affirmative action?
It’s a poor solution to a much larger problem — but it’s better than nothing, which is what we have without it. And if you’re asking would I be willing to give up a job in favor of a minority candidate? Yes, I would, because I can go find another job, and I don’t think something, like a job I’m applying for, or a slot in a college, belongs to me when it… doesn’t belong to me.
45.’ You are given 2 eggs, you have access to a 100-story building.’ Eggs can be very hard or very fragile which means they may break if dropped from the first floor or may not even break if dropped from the’100th floor. Both eggs are identical. You need to figure out the highest floor of a 100-story building an egg can be dropped without breaking. The question is how many drops you need to make. You are allowed to break 2 eggs in the process.
Chuck them both at the interviewers while singing this:
46.‘ Are you a cat person?
No, just a regular human.
47.‘ If you were a salad, what kind of dressing would you have?
I think I am salty and bitter at heart, so that’s probably how I taste (Also describes much of my diet, so) — which means I’d say I’d taste best with something a little sweet. I’ll go honey mustard.
48.‘ How do I rate as an interviewer?
Banana.
Okay: I think that will do. Do I get the job?
Just Dusty 