Late to Work, Work Too Late

I have a confession to make: I procrastinate my work.

Specifically, I procrastinate my grading. I procrastinate my paperwork, too; if I’m not the last one every year to get my self-evaluation done, I’m the runner-up. It’s almost a point of pride for me to refuse to turn in my Intent to Return paperwork until it is appallingly late; I dress it up as a sort of protest, because I hate the system — my school requires teachers in February to sign a letter of intent that says we do mean to return for the next school year, and listing the classes we would like to teach (There is also an option on there for “I would like to work for the school district, but I am willing to transfer schools” which I have never and will never check, because if anyone puts me into a middle school, I’m quitting on the spot and becoming a meter maid. Or maybe one of those guys who spin signs for tax preparers.), but then they don’t actually offer us a job, or tell us what we will be teaching, until JULY. I hate that we are supposed to commit to the school MONTHS before they have to commit to us — and in some cases, they don’t tell us the classes we are teaching until the school year starts: in 2021 I was teaching a full set of online classes, but I did not know until an administrator emailed me and asked “Hey, how do these students I have registered for your class sign into the Zoom?” ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASSES. So yeah, the system pisses me off: but also, I do intend to return, and the people who need my signed letter — specifically my principal — are not the people who set up this obnoxious unbalanced system. So there’s no particular reason why I procrastinate signing the letter; I just do. Like with all of my paperwork. And all of my grading.

I don’t like admitting it, because I’m a teacher, and I’m supposed to set a good example for my students; I’m supposed to not only teach them that, in the real world, deadlines matter, and organization and a work ethic are important; but I’m supposed to enforce that learning by requiring them to hold to deadlines, to be organized, to develop a work ethic, so that they will be prepared for the real world. If I don’t prepare them for the real world, I’ve been told, then not only will I be setting them up for a rude awakening when they get fired from their jobs, but also I am tearing apart the foundations of our society by eliminating personal responsibility, which means that everything in this country will fall apart when this current generation gets out of school and goes into the real world.

Where have I been told this? On Twitter, of course. Where I was this morning when I should have been working.

Step 1: head on Twitter Step 2: regret your life decisions | Twitter | Know  Your Meme

Please don’t get me wrong: I have a strong work ethic. I take personal responsibility for the tasks that are required of me. If anything, I take too much responsibility, and work too hard; where I could just shrug cynically and say “Hey, if those rotten little punks don’t want to read the book, then they’ll fail and they’ll deserve it,” instead I say, “Maybe I should read it to them in class, so I can explain it and make it more interesting, and they can at least understand what’s in the book and what it means, even if they aren’t reading it on their own.” Does that require more of me? It does. Not only do I have to work harder in class, then, but also it means I can’t assign quiet independent work in class, and get my grading done while my students are working; that means I have to do my grading outside of class, which inevitably means I have to do it on the weekends.

Which causes a secondary problem: because I put so much effort into my daily classes, trying to run every lesson, keep every kid involved, cover every topic with them and make the information interesting, so I can be (at least somewhat) sure that they understand and are learning, I have little energy or motivation at the end of the week to do grading. And frankly, at the end of the week of work, I think I deserve a break: and I’m right. I do deserve a break. Teaching is a hard job, and I work very hard at it. It’s important to me: I recognize the value of education, and the value of an educated populace; I think of it as my most valuable contribution to a world that has been very generous to me in my life — and also, I’m good at it. And my students need to learn, and they need to have good teachers and good adults in their lives, and I am all of those things. So while I am at school, and after school, and during my lunch breaks, and so on, I work as hard as I can to do as much as I can for my students.

The result, then, is that on many weekends, I don’t do any grading. Even though I haven’t done it over the week at school, either. Because I’m tired, and because I deserve a break, and weekends are what I get.

The result is that it takes me too long to grade.

It’s a problem. It’s a problem for a lot of reasons: first because it’s bad teaching practice. Feedback should come quickly: students (like anyone) forget in short order what they did on an assignment or how they did it; if they get the assignment back with feedback within a few days, then they can take the feedback as constructive suggestions on how to improve. But if they get the work back two weeks later, or three weeks later, or four, five, six, seven, even eight weeks later — and yes, I have done that — then it’s useless. They don’t even remember doing the assignment. I have frequently handed back a paper to a class, and had them say “What is this? Oh man — I forgot all about this.” I cringe every time. And tell myself I’ll do better: I’ll spend more time grading, less time doing nothing at school or doing other things at home. The job is important, after all.

But then when the weekend comes, I can’t bring myself to do it. And there are all of the other things that I also need to do: I need to spend time with my wife, who is my whole world; and as important as my students are, and as important as teaching is, she is more important. Much more important. Orders of magnitude more important. Plus, spending time with her makes me happy: which does have the added benefit of helping me recover from the work week, which then gives me more energy to teach as well as I can in the next week. Which is also important: and maybe more important than getting those grades done. The same goes for spending time with my pets, and also working on my house, or going to the gym. All of them are important — the gym helps reduce my stress, and will keep me healthy, which will help me live longer (certainly something that teaching will not do for me…); working on my house makes me more comfortable, and also helps increase the value of the house, which means I will be more financially secure in the future — which not only reduces my stress, it also helps to ensure that I will be able to keep this important job in this underfunded, underpaying state of Arizona.

And so on. There are always reasons to do things other than grade: and I don’t mean bullshit reasons like “I just don’t really feel like it right now,” but valid reasons, genuine excuses: other important priorities that should come first. So I put them first. And so I don’t grade.

Grading Memes 20+ Funny Images Only Teachers Will Understand

And then there are the feedback loops.

You see, because I know that I take too long to grade, and I give myself all the excuses I could ever want to keep allowing myself to do that, I can’t bear to make my students stick to hard grading deadlines. Even though it would be easier, because that way there would be less for me to grade. Even though it would be “teaching them about the real world and taking personal responsibility.” Even though it would make the work more meaningful when they did it, because when they come back weeks or months after an assignment was to be turned in and they complete it then, the chance that they are still able to learn from the lesson is almost nil. But I can’t do it. If I don’t stick to hard deadlines, how can I make them?

I mean, of course I could. We have unequal power in the class. I get to set their deadlines, and the consequences for missing those deadlines; and I get to decide when I complete my own work. I have the power to make these determinations.

But I can’t justify it. I can’t justify the time I take to do the grading, so I can’t justify holding my students to a short, hard deadline, and then taking weeks and weeks to give them back the grade on the assignment they turned in on time.

So I don’t hold them to deadlines. Which is how I contribute to the imminent collapse of our society, according to those Twitter pundits who told me that holding students to deadlines is critical for preparing them for the real world.

It’s also, I know, how I leave an opening for students to put themselves into a real bind. Because I don’t hold them to deadlines, and I don’t get mad and yell and get them in trouble and ruin their GPAs if they don’t get the work done for my class, I make it that much easier for them to procrastinate the work for my class. And, see, they have so many classes, and so much homework for all of them, and their math and science and history teachers all keep hard deadlines, and chew them out and shame them when they miss deadlines, and refuse to let them turn work in late, and therefore ruin their grades if they don’t get the work done — that they always choose to do the work on time for their math and science and history classes. They know they can take a little more time for Humphrey’s work. So they take it: because after a long day of sitting in classes and trying desperately to learn — and they are trying — even when it is boring, even when the teacher doesn’t communicate well, even when other things in their lives or in the classroom are distracting them, they are tired. And understandably so: it’s hard work trying to learn. Especially trying to learn complicated advanced concepts like how to write an essay. But that’s okay, they can put off Humphrey’s work; he doesn’t care.

Let me just set the record straight on that one, because it makes me mad every single time they say it.

Are you listening, kids? (Of course not.) Here it is anyway.

I care.

I care about how you act in my class. I care about whether or not you are paying attention to me. I care about whether you are looking at your phone or if you are reading. I care about whether or not you turn in the work on time. I care about your grades. I care about your test scores. I care about everything. All of it. Always. I care.

I just don’t have the energy to apply pressure on all of you, all the time. I can’t do it. I can’t make the lesson interesting and useful to all of you, while also fighting to make you listen to the lesson I have already put effort into to make it interesting and useful. I can’t stand to have to fight to make you listen to my interesting and useful lesson: you should just fucking listen. Okay? You want to talk about not caring? How about all of you little punks not caring about how much you annoy me when you don’t listen to me no matter what I do or say? Even after you say you like me and like my class? You still don’t listen, and you don’t care how much that hurts, and how frustrating that is. You make me fight you, make me make you follow the rules you know you have to follow already, and then when I ask you to follow the rules, you argue, and you fuss. So I have to fight harder.

Think of this: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? So if it takes a certain amount of time and effort to overcome your resistance to doing work in class any given day, and I have to be the one to overcome that resistance for you, then that means the effort put into my action to create the reaction in you that allows you to learn is just as hard for me as it is for you. So if you struggle to make yourself pay attention and try, I struggle just as hard to make you pay attention and try. The difference is, I have to struggle with 20 of you, every single period, every single day. And then once I have managed the struggle, and gotten you all to pay attention and try — then I have to teach you. And make it interesting and useful for you, so you can keep paying attention. And that takes effort, too.

So much of the time, even most of the time, I just can’t do it. I can’t put out that much effort in every class, every day, with every student. So I blow it off. I procrastinate. I just start teaching the lesson, knowing that not everyone is paying attention; hoping that somehow they will listen to me as I try to make it interesting and useful, and they will do the work themselves, and then I will be able to help them learn.

It never happens. Not with the whole class. Not with a whole unit.

So I have to let it go. And since I let it go, I can’t demand that they put out more effort than I’m willing to put out. To be clear, again: I could do that. Lots of teachers do that. The fact that I don’t do that is one of the reasons they like me. But because they like me, they feel more casual about my class, and it’s easier to blow off work for a class that is more casual, especially when the teacher is cool and doesn’t care about deadlines. (I. CARE.)

Matrix Morpheus Meme - Imgflip

So the students blow off deadlines, and that creates more work for me. Because I need to try to track them down to get the work completed so I can grade it; or by the time they get around to it, they don’t remember how to do it, and I have to take some time to remind them of what the assignment was. Or they blow off some assignments, which lowers their grade, and then they need to make sure other assignments are perfect so they can bring their grades back up — and that means they need to check with me about what the expectations are, and what they need to do, and if the work they have so far is good enough or how they can change it to make it better and get a better grade. Which is freaking awesome: because it means they’re learning, and they want to learn, and they want me to help them get better, and that is the whole point of all of this —

And it takes more time and energy. Which I am happy to expend on students who ask for help, especially the ones who have been struggling and have low grades because they haven’t turned anything in, which always makes me worry that they don’t understand the assignment or the content at all; when they ask for help, and I help them, and they get it, then I feel like I won. And they turn the work in, very very late, and I grade it immediately because I’m so pleased they got it done, and then I am complimentary in their feedback because I want to encourage them to keep turning in work and showing improvement.

Which, of course, just encourages them to keep turning work in late, and getting extra individual attention, and getting nice feedback and so on.

But then I’m even more tired, and so I get even less done for the class as a whole. Which makes me feel bad, like a slacker, like a bad teacher. Sometimes I get so depressed I can’t stand to work at all. But of course, I keep doing it. Because I have to. Because the students need me. Even if they never act like it.

Meme Creator - Funny You can come back to work now We miss you (& need you)  Meme Generator at MemeCreator.org!

That’s what procrastination is.

I don’t know how or when or why we all forgot that, all got confused about it. Who told us that procrastination was being lazy? Nonsense: blowing off work entirely, never getting it done at all; sometimes that is due to laziness. (Rarely, I would argue. But sometimes.) Procrastinators do the work, we just do it late, or at the last minute, while also applying enormous pressure to ourselves mostly in the form of anxiety. So if you do the work a little at a time from Monday through Thursday, and I cram it all in on Thursday night, and we both turn the work in on Friday — or if I do all the work on Sunday and then turn the work in late on Monday — which of us has done more work? Nobody, of course, unless, as I said, you want to count the extra effort I expended on anxiety and guilt. (And maybe the extra effort you spent on organizing and managing your time and the project — but you loved doing that, and we all know it.) We all do the work. It is certainly true that waiting until the last minute frequently limits the amount of time we have to put into the work: but in my experience it does not at all limit the effort put into it. That is a separate decision, which lots of people make — and sometimes it is due to laziness, I agree. But procrastination is not lazy.

It’s prioritizing.

As I said, when I decide on Friday night that I would rather spend an evening with my wife than grade papers, that is a choice I am making based on what I think is most important: not what requires less effort. Okay, spending time with my wife does require less effort: but considering how much time I spend away from her doing work, it should be clear that I don’t always pick the easier path because it’s the easier path. I usually don’t. When I do choose to spend time with her, it is partly because I have spent all of the effort I can possibly spend, and now I need to do something that puts something good back into me: and an evening with the woman I love will do that. (Also I choose to spend time with her because she is the best and most important person in my world, and she deserves to have my time more than any of my students do.) The time I spend writing is time I could spend grading, and believe me, this is not any easier in terms of intellectual effort. I think it is more important, at least once a week, for my self-understanding and my identity. So I prioritize: I make a choice. And that choice means I have less effort and time to spend on the other tasks. I will still spend as much time and effort on them as I can: but sometimes — frequently — constantly — that effort is not my full effort. It just can’t be.

Because I have too much shit to do.

Want me to get all my work done? Reduce my student and class load, without reducing my pay (Because if I get paid less, I’ll need to go find a second job to cover my expenses, and I will not have more time.). Or even better, make all of my students do their part by having them pay attention to my lesson, to my whole lesson, every day, so I don’t have to fight to make them stay on task and learn the content. Though, to do that, you’ll need to lighten their load as well: because believe me, after being told all their lives that they need to learn everything and get good grades OR ELSE THEY WILL BE DOOMED TO A LIFE OF MISERY AND WASTE BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE ANY WORK ETHIC OR RESPONSIBILITY AND THEY WILL HAVE DISAPPOINTED EVERYONE AROUND THEM, they are also trying just as hard as they can: and it isn’t their fault they can’t do everything we demand of them any more than it is my fault.

We are simply demanding too much. And then calling it procrastination when everything doesn’t get done.

This is the point I want to make, and I want to make it twice. Because people on Twitter (Assuming they are people, and not malicious semi-sentient globs of slime) have repeatedly and vociferously claimed that teachers are lazy. We are not. We work as hard as any and harder than most. Of course there are lazy teachers, as there are lazy people in every group; but teaching as a profession takes all that we have, and demands even more. Students, like all children, are a bottomless hole of need: they always need something, and then they always need more. It’s fine; they are children, they’re not supposed to be self-sufficient. But there is never an end to their need. So we who provide care to children, of any kind, we have the full range of tasks required of us professionally — and then we have all those children. And all of their needs. It’s too much: and so I, like all of my colleagues, prioritize. Some of us choose to prioritize work over family, or over ourselves; some of us choose one aspect of work over others — I have colleagues who spend enormous amounts of time and energy making sure that their students are happy, even if the curriculum maybe doesn’t all get covered; I have others who make sure that the students are understanding all the work, even if that means they maybe don’t have the most fun and exciting classes; I try to make sure that my students find some interest in and affection for my subject, because I want, more than anything else, to get them to be readers: and thus lifelong learners, who will grow far beyond what I could ever impart to them. But the issue is, we all try to do all of those things, all at the same time, along with doing all the rest of our work; and it is too much to get done. So we do what we can, and procrastinate the rest, and when we finally run out of time — we say to ourselves that we’ll work on that next year.

And now let me make the same point twice: students need help. They need support. Not all of them need the same help in the same way, but all of them need something. All of them. Partly because they are children: and partly because everybody needs help; everybody, young or old, needs something. What students need more than anything else is grace. They need kindness. They need us to try to understand what each of them individually needs, and to try to provide that to them, as much as we can. We need to know where our boundaries are, when we run out of energy and the ability to give; because they can’t be expected to know how much is too much, and they will always need more than we can give. It’s fine: they are children. Children need support. And there are fortunate children who get most of what they need provided for them by their families and friends; those children don’t need much from their teachers and other caretakers. But they still need something: even if it’s only praise for a job well done, and a suggestion about where they could go next.

The other reason why students all need help and grace is because we demand too much from them. We give them limited time, limited resources, and the limited energy and support of their teachers, and expect them to accomplish — everything. Not only to learn all of the subjects which their teachers have spent our professional lives mastering, but also to learn everything else they need for adult life. And apparently — according to Twitter, at least — they need to learn it all NOW, before they get into the “real world” and discover that they are unprepared for the harsh realities of life. They need to learn to do their work, and do their best, all the time, no matter what they may have going on in their lives outside of school; because in the REAL WORLD, you don’t get to give excuses: you just get fired if you show up late or miss a day of work or miss a deadline or break the rules in any way.

Never mind that I have frequently been late turning in my work. Never mind that I have had colleagues and coworkers who show up late, or miss work, all the time. (I tend not to miss work, and I’m obsessive about being on time. But also, I let my classes get off topic at the drop of a hat, and waste all kinds of time arguing with students over silly subjects instead of pursuing curriculum. We all do the things our bosses don’t want us to do.) Never mind that I and several of my colleagues constantly disobey the dress code, or don’t clock in or out properly, or cuss in front of students, or spend time on our phones looking at social media when we’re supposed to be working. Or show up hungover to work. (I’ve never done that one, either. But I did get suspended because of things I posted online about my students. So I guess I never learned that “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all” lesson in high school, huh? Must have missed that day. Probably hungover.)

No: we tell these children, who don’t know any different, don’t know any better, because they have only been in school, because we won’t let them leave, that they have no chance in life if they don’t learn everything we have to teach them RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. And then we give them far too much to learn, all at once. And tell them they not only have to learn all of it, but they have to get high grades, or else they are doomed, and we will be disappointed.

And then we are surprised when they procrastinate? When they blow work off sometimes? When they try to take a little bit of time and space for themselves, to do something they enjoy, after hours and days and weeks of doing work, for no tangible reward? We’re shocked when they sleep until noon on the weekends — and then we call them lazy?

How dare we?

No. Students are not lazy. They are doing their utmost to live up to our impossible standards, to our impossible expectations, even with their limited resources and their nonexistent experience, which means they have not mastered the same coping strategies that we have. They don’t know what to do other than — maybe not do some work. And then we get mad at them for not doing their work, and they feel bad, and they fear the consequences we give them right now so they can learn to avoid consequences later; and all of that adds pressure, which wears them down — and they need to take more time off, to escape from even more work. Just so they can survive.

Just like us.

The answer is: they need to work less. We all need to work less. And if we can’t, then the very least we can do for each other is, when we have the power and the opportunity — be nice. Be kind. Give someone a little grace. And take a little for yourself. Even if it looks to others like you’re procrastinating. It’s better to turn in the work too late, than to work until it is too late.

We’re all doing our best.

Follicular Analogy

I have to get my hair cut.

Ugh.

I hate getting my hair cut. I don’t like spending money, or making appointments and keeping them — actually, making appointments is no problem at all; I enjoy being flexible with my time, since I have few commitments that occur at determined dates and times, and I like feeling accomplished because I did an organizing thing. But I hate keeping them. And I hate small talk, which is almost inescapable with a hair stylist; fortunately they are incredibly nice people most of the time, but that just makes me feel guilty for not wanting to chat about my day, and not having a dozen insignificant topics to draw from. Hey, what can I say? I don’t watch sports, I don’t pay attention to awards shows or The Bachelorette, I don’t go out on the town, I don’t have children. Unless you want to talk about my dogs, or the annotated edition of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit which I am currently reading, I don’t want to talk about whatever you want to talk about.

Is it wrong to say that I like it when I find hairstylists who don’t like talking? It feels mean. I don’t mind the ones who like talking, because they tend to carry the conversation for me, and I can react to other people talking about their kids or their sports teams or what have you. But it’s nice when I can just be left to my own thoughts. It’s rare, though, which is part of why I don’t like getting my hair cut.

I used to have the perfect system: I had very long hair when I was young.

No photo description available.
Me in high school with my dad
No photo description available.
Me in college with my iguana Carmalita. Who never kicked my ass at Gin Rummy like my father was doing in the above photo.

It was easy! I just never got my hair cut. If you look at the end of my ponytail in the second one, you can see all the split ends; but if you just don’t care about things like that, then you never have to worry about getting haircuts.

I used to get grief for the long hair, in high school when they used to call me a hippie, and in college when they used to call me Fabio; but it was worth it to avoid the haircuts. (Also, my hair was one of the things my wife noticed when she first spotted me, so it was part of the reason I found the love of my life — so there, all you long-hair-haters) But as I got older, and my hair got thinner on top, it started looking really bad when it got too long; so my perfect solution eventually stopped working.

I found another solution during the pandemic: I shaved my head.

No photo description available.
I shaved my beard off this last summer; I like saying that I shaved the top half of my head in 2020, and the bottom half in 2022.

That also meant I didn’t have to get a haircut for quite a while; but on the other hand, shaving it was a pain — I also don’t particularly like shaving, though for different reasons; I don’t have to worry about small talk when it’s just me with a razor. Then again, I never worry about shedding blood when I go to a hairstylist, so. — and I decided there will come a day when I will have little choice but to shave my head, and I might as well enjoy my hair while I still have it. I do recognize that I am lucky to have most of my hair at 48, and that it is mostly still my original color and texture. All of which I like.

I originally started growing my hair long not actually for the sake of growing my hair long: but because I got a terrible haircut. (This is not a good comparison, but there’s a meme about people being complimented for their maturity, and they say “Oh, thanks, it was the trauma.” I did that not long ago, with one of my students who is very mature and extremely self-aware; after I complimented them on it, I realized that it was because of the severe anxiety they have always dealt with, which makes them hyperaware of their own emotional state, and the years of therapy they have gone through because of that anxiety, which has taught them coping mechanisms. I adjusted my compliment.) It was during 8th grade, when I had been growing my hair out somewhat intentionally because my friends had long hair and liked heavy metal music, as I did; but at the end of the school year I signed up for a class trip to Italy, led by my Italian language teacher, and my mom took me to get a haircut before my passport photo. The stylist she brought me to was an Italian-American man (Not unusual in Boston, of course), and when I mentioned during my awkward small talk that I was going on a trip to Italy, the stylist said, “Oh, well, Italian girls like short hair.” And he cut all my hair off. Even worse, he poofed it up in front, which was very much the style at the time — and very much not my style, ever. I went out to the car while my mom paid, and I looked in the mirror, and I actually cried.

06.02.2014: Happy 48th Birthday, Mr. Rick Astley! | Rick astley, Peliculas  en cartelera, Cantantes de los 80
I looked a little like this. Not as cool, though.

(By the way, if you’re hoping for a photo of Bad Pompadour Dusty, no such photo exists. The poof washed out of my hair, and I just had short hair in my passport photo. And a sad look in my eyes.)

So after that, I just stopped going to hairstylists. And as I said, it worked for me very well for almost twenty years. (I will also note that the last decade of those twenty years, my wife trimmed my hair for me when the split ends got too bad.) And now that I can’t do it any more, I’m a little sad; but also, I have a stylist I like a lot, and when my hair gets too long, as it is now, I make an appointment, and I go. I don’t want to, and I bitch about it — but I go.

Just like the dentist: though that didn’t work as well when I didn’t go to one during my first years of college. Now I go regularly, even though I hate it even more than getting haircuts: it’s even more money, and far more discomfort, and now somehow I am supposed to make small talk while my mouth is cranked open and filled with dental instruments and dental fingers. And sometimes, just as I dream of shaving my head permanently, maybe with lasers, so I never have to get another haircut, I dream of just pulling out all my teeth and getting dentures: so that when those teeth break, I can just order new ones without ever having to sit in one of those torturer’s chairs ever again.

This last week has been a bad week, so when I thought about this topic — when I remembered that I had an appointment this afternoon — I thought it would be nice to write about something superficial and simple, like hair, and how much I liked having long hair and how much I dislike having to get haircuts. I had been thinking about writing on an education-related topic — namely the argument I had on Twitter (The brief one; the long one is also vaguely education related, but much more bigotry-focused and education-adjacent, and that will get its own full length post, because the topic deserves it as hair does not) about how to address behavior problems in students at school. An education “pundit” named Daniel Buck — who is really just a troll who wants to make himself a name as a right-wing education pundit, and has succeeded to the extent that he’s already gotten a book published and been called in for at least one interview on Fox, where he repeated his talking points without offering a single scrap of evidence, as he is wont to do — commented about how good students prefer to be in classrooms where discipline is strictly maintained. Another person replied to his Tweet with the observation that 80% of misbehavior comes from 20% of students, and recommended expelling those students so the rest of the kids could learn and teachers could focus on teaching.

I have a lot to say about that. But I had trouble yesterday, when I generally sit down to write these posts, and then again this morning; I was much more tempted to just dash off something quick about how much I liked having long hair and how much I hate paying both money and time to get my hair cut short. It didn’t help that I went to the gym this morning — and came out to a flat tire on my bike, which made me have to walk home. I don’t mind walking, of course, and the travel either by foot or by bike is good cardio and cooldown regardless; which I definitely need because I have high blood pressure which ain’t gonna get any better the more I deal with student misbehavior (or arguments on Twitter) — but it did take longer to walk home, and at the end of it I was tired.

But somewhere on that walk, I realized: these are the same topic.

(That’s right, folks — I’ve trapped you into reading about education all this time with another long-winded analogy. Though the title of the post should have given it away. I will also note here that my first attempt at a title for this post was AnaloJollies, trying to make a funny portmanteau out of the word “analogy” that had a lighter tone to it; but seeing the word written out like that made me realize it had a whooooooole different impact based on what it looks like I would be talking about in a post titled that. I will not be writing THAT post.)

(At least not until I get my colonoscopy next summer.)

You see, the argument for expelling the 20% of students who are responsible for most misbehavior is flawed for a number of reasons. The first and most important is that the identification of those — let’s call them “troublemakers” for the sake of the argument — is fraught. Very fraught. Let’s start with the fact that the 20% responsible for 80% of misbehavior are dependent on the misbehaviors being measured: they are not the same students across the board. In other words, while 20% of students or so are responsible for 80% of tardies, and 20% of students are responsible for 80% of disrespectful defiance of teachers, those 20% of the students are not the same. It’s a Venn diagram: there is some crossover, some number of students who are mainly responsible for tardies and for defiance; but the slice is not the whole circle. So in determining which 20% of students we want to expel, we need to start by deciding which behavior is the one that deserves expulsion: and first, we need to realize that violent behavior, or drug use or sexual assault or theft or anything really severe, generally already results in expulsion; and second, we need to realize that expelling the 20% of students mainly responsible for defiance will not reduce tardies by 80%, but by some much smaller number — and so for the rest of the behaviors we don’t like.

Furthermore, identifying the behaviors that “disrupt learning” for the “good” kids is not so simple. If a student is habitually noisy, if they speak loudly and often out of turn during independent seatwork, if they ask constant irritating questions of the teacher — but also they are generally respectful of others, especially of teachers, and are never late to class or what have you — which misbehavior expulsion will catch that kid? Which expulsion net will remove the distraction of a kid who just likes to make loud noises with their mouths while they work? (This example, by the way, was brought to you by a middle school student I have been acquainted with, a straight-A student who could not be quiet for more than 30 seconds at a time. Very respectful. Very smart. Deeply fucking annoying. But I don’t think “This kid annoys the shit out of me” is reasonable grounds for expulsion, do you? Particularly not if our goal is to isolate the students who want to learn, because this kid very much wanted to learn. They just wanted to do it noisily.)

And lastly, the big issue here (Actually there are two, I’ll get to the other big issue in a sec) is the false assumption that misbehavior is static. That the 20% who are responsible for 80% of misbehaviors are always the same kids, and that once you remove them, the problem will be solved. Obviously that’s not true, simply because new students come to the school, to every school, with every new school year; but to this the supporters of 20% expulsion rates would simply say that we would need to identify the bad 20% in the new class and chuck them to the curb as quickly as possible. But even more than new students, the problem is this: nature abhors a vacuum — and so do students. If you remove a child who is disruptive of a learning environment, there will be others who will begin to act up in much the same way that the removed child did. I’ve seen it happen several times. Often the most disruptive student is intimidating to other students, who then feel free to act out when the #1 student is no longer there to intimidate them; even more often, at least in high school, students enjoy the disruption, even if they sometimes get mad about losing learning time, because school is boring, and watching a teacher get mad and a kid get in trouble is interesting. So if the #1 troublemaker vanishes, other students will likely fill in by becoming more disruptive, to break up the boredom, because then they will get the attention and even the admiration of their peers. Or, in an even more likely scenario, a student’s behavior will change over the school year: because misbehavior is not actually static, because kids act out for many reasons, very few of which are their immutable personal characteristics. Tardies are probably the best example of this: if you look at school-wide data, you will find that many tardies come from the same small group of students, who are frequently late to class because they walk slowly, or they hang out with their friends, or they avoid class for any one of a hundred reasons — but you will also find that many students are late only to one class, maybe because the two rooms are too far away from each other, or maybe because their ride to school won’t leave early enough to get them there on time. My freshman year of high school I had some obscene number of tardies — because my ride to school was my older brother, who didn’t give a shit about getting there on time. So I never got there on time. And you can see this behavior frequency change overnight, if a kid changes parent custody, or if they move farther away from school, or if there’s a sudden issue with a car, or a change in parent job status, and so on. And though it is a good example, it’s not just tardies: students often, if not usually, if not always, act out at school because of what’s going on at home. You can bet that, after you expel the troublemaking 20%, some other kid’s home life will fall apart due to divorce or a parent losing a job or some other unforeseeable circumstance, and that child will begin to act out in class.

The point is, you can expel the worst troublemakers, and you will still have trouble. Trouble is inevitable. It is school: they are children. Anybody who pretends there weren’t problems in the past exactly like the problems today is lying, or privileged. Sure, there were very few gang fights when I was in high school: but it’s not because the school expelled all the gangsters before they could start fights; it was because I went to a wealthy suburban high school where the student body was 90% White, and there were no gangs. And I can state for an absolute fact that we had the same number of students who were disruptive because they had ADHD, because I was friends with several of them; they were just undiagnosed, and frequently self-medicated with marijuana by the time they reached high school. When they were kids we called them “hyper,” and laughed at their antics in the classroom. Listen to the immortal George Carlin do his routine on being a class clown, in the 1940’s and 50’s in New York, and you will quickly recognize that young Mr. Carlin was bright, respectful — and deeply, constantly disruptive. Wouldn’t surprise me at all to hear that he had ADHD. I guarantee that Robin Williams did.

Listen closely around 7:45 when Carlin gets his audience to make one of the best group-based noises I’ve ever heard.

The other big problem here is the idea that expelling children from school is a good thing. The idea that the children you expel are deserving of expulsion — or that they are not deserving of an education. This is false, and it is a travesty. Again, while I recognize that some children are genuinely dangerous to their peers — I have been in public education for 23 years, after going through 13 years of public school myself; of course I realize that some children cannot be trusted to respect the safety or the rights of others — I expect that children who are actual threats to others will be expelled from school, and probably should be. But even those, even the worst troublemakers, even the ones who harm others: they are still children. And children both need and deserve an education. Some should not receive their education in the same place as other children; but accommodations can be made for that. Particularly now that we can offer many students the option of remote learning. Even if that weren’t an option, we should all realize that the best thing that could possibly be done for most students who have and cause trouble in school is — an education. If those students cause trouble because they are struggling, then finding a way to help them learn will eliminate the struggle and thus the misbehavior. If someone misbehaves because they are on a bad track, which may lead them to more serious issues in life, such as addiction or criminal behavior, then again, the best thing a school can do for them is help them gain an education and more positive and productive skills and knowledge. Expelling students does none of these things: it simply tells the student that they are less important and less valuable than the other students, less deserving of education and all the things that come with it; and that’s not going to help anybody get better at anything.

No: expulsion of problem students is not the answer. The answer has much more to do with all of the ideas that Mr. Buck and most right-wing edupundits find anathema: restorative justice and social services and educational supports for students in need, despite (or even because of) their disruptive behavior in class. As I have now said several times, students who are dangerous to others should be removed from a classroom of potential victims; but even there it is more useful to think of that process as isolating those students, while maintaining their status as students, as children with the right to an education, who will benefit from an education. We should remember that isolation does have negative impacts on the students who are isolated, but the basic goal of educating all members of our society is not lost with isolation, as it would be with expulsion. (I do realize, as well, that students who are expelled are given further opportunities to learn and improve; I support those systems. I’m just responding to the argument as it was presented to me: the final response was expulsion. The reason was to “save” the “good” students from having their learning “ruined” by the “bad” students.

(Here is where I bring it back to the analogy. That’s right: time to talk about cutting hair. It’s okay if you forgot.)

Expelling students to solve the problem of behavior is seeking a permanent solution to an ongoing problem. It is exactly like trying to fix one’s hair by yanking out the bad hair. In order to avoid the difficult work of handling students who misbehave, trying to find why they act as they do and then addressing the underlying issue, we simply remove the students: it’s like shaving your head to avoid having to get your hair cut. Or, I suppose, plucking out the long hairs, keeping the short ones. Though I suppose “long hair” is not the analogous problem; I should talk about hair that causes problems — you know, the hair in the cowlick, which won’t lay right no matter how you try to comb it; that one hair that curls around and tickles the inside of my ear, or pokes me in the eye. Those hairs should definitely be plucked. Doing so will solve the problem entirely. Then I can focus on the good hairs, and keeping them on track where I want them. And if any of those good hairs step out of line — I’ll pluck them, too.

Rather than seeking simple, permanent solutions to complicated problems like student misbehavior, we should think of addressing student misbehavior the way we think of maintaining hair, or working out, or doing anything that requires long term effort: the key is to build a routine. To find the right tools and resources, to recognize the roots of the issues (No pun intended), and to realize that long term, incremental changes are most likely to have positive effects. If one has high blood pressure, say, the answer is not to remove the angry blood causing the problems, as they would have in Shakespeare’s time (Which I hope we can agree was not a good system); and it is not necessarily to expunge all the causes of stress instantly and without consideration. I would have much less stress if I quit teaching: but the new situation I found myself in would cause me new problems, which would give me all new stress. If one has bad hair, one should look at one’s shampoo, one’s hair care routine, one’s hairstylist and relationship with one’s hairstylist, and try to work through all of those concerns to fix the bad hair — rather than just yanking out 20% of one’s hair and throwing it away to concentrate on the other 80%. The answer is also not to do what I did when I was young, and simply accept that bad behavior exists, like split ends, like cavities in teeth; the analogy falls apart here because an individual hair is not important, and an individual child is. But the prescription for all of these issues is the same: address the problem. Slowly. Carefully. But address it, don’t just ignore it or remove it and throw it all away.

If we want to address student misbehavior, the key is not to expel the “bad” students; it is to work, over the long haul, to turn “bad” students into “good” students. To help the problematic students to solve their problems, and to make progress instead of trouble.

Now I have to go get a haircut.

The Rest of the Words

I keep not doing this: but I need to do this. Now, because there are always other things which I can write about, which I want to write about; this week I got into an incredibly stupid argument on Twitter, which is crying out for me to write a full-length takedown of my opponent; also, we had parent conferences, which opens up a couple of good discussions about students in general; also, I agreed to go to an AVID conference this summer, which means I can talk about AVID and conferences and so on; also, we had to pay money in taxes this year AND IT’S MY SCHOOL’S FAULT —

So there’s a lot I could write about.

But I need to write about this.

I already wrote about the beginning of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” but I didn’t write about the whole piece. Intentionally, because my essay was already too long, and the place where I stopped is important enough and valuable enough to receive the final emphasis of closing that piece with it; but now we need to talk about the rest of the piece, not least because it is still brilliant, nor only because it is still relevant to our society today, and the discourses we have around race and prejudice and equality and so on. Also because I said I would do this: and I need to keep my word.

So here we go again.

(One quick note: I have put some jokes in here, particularly in a couple of the links; I hope that doesn’t come across as too irreverent. Dr. King is and will always be one of my most idolized heroes. I just think that a little humor helps to get through an essay this long, with this much heavy subject matter. But I do apologize if any of the jokes hit a sour note.)

The First Essay

So the section I covered there goes to the end of the second page; I wonder how much of that length is intentional in that it seems like a piece that long and no longer could easily be reprinted in newspapers, but I don’t know. It also builds beautifully as an argument, leading to that conclusion. In any case, the next paragraph opens a new line of argument — though it is related, of course. This link shows another iteration of the letter, this one with a clear transition at this point, which I like.

YOU express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court’s decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, it is rather strange and paradoxical to find us consciously breaking laws. One may well ask, “How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?” The answer is found in the fact that there are two types of laws: there are just laws, and there are unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that “An unjust law is no law at all.”

Notice that Dr. King continues the same tone and structure of argument, even after he has had this incredible cri de coeur about the African-American experience in the U.S.: he states their objection, and then turns it around on them. Willingness to break laws is a concern, you say? By gum, you’re right! You all should obey the Supreme Court’s decision to desegregate schools, shouldn’t you? But again, he offers this point about their hypocrisy in the politest possible way: by saying that it might be strange to see the civil rights activists doing the same apparently hypocritical thing, defending the law while breaking the law. But then he explains why the civil rights activists are not, in fact, doing anything hypocritical — and note that he uses “paradoxical” rather than the term “hypocritical:” because a paradox is only seemingly contradictory, generally from one perspective; there is another perspective by which it makes perfect sense (For instance, the paradox “To preserve peace, you must prepare for war.” It only seems like a contradiction; it actually makes perfect sense in a world where not everyone shares a desire for peace.): because there are two types of laws. King separates here the concept of “legal” from the concept of “just” — a distinction we point out again and again in our society.

Marian Wright Edelman Quote: “Never let us confuse what is legal with what  is right. Everything Hitler did in Nazi Germany was legal, but it was not  r...”
By the way: Mrs. Edelman was referring to Dr. King’s Letter when she said this. It’s on p. 8 of this speech, for one example.

And where does Dr. King get the justification for his distinction? Why from Saint Augustine: one of the most important and influential of all Christian thinkers. How you like them apples, Clergymen?

Continuing his explanation of the distinction between law and justice, Dr. King refers to the other most influential and important Christian thinker, St. Thomas Aquinas:

Now, what is the difference between the two? How does one determine when a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man-made code that squares with the moral law, or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in the terms of St. Thomas Aquinas, an unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal and natural law. Any law that uplifts human personality is just. Any law that degrades human personality is unjust. All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality. It gives the segregator a false sense of superiority and the segregated a false sense of inferiority. To use the words of Martin Buber, the great Jewish philosopher, segregation substitutes an “I – it” relationship for the “I – thou” relationship and ends up relegating persons to the status of things. So segregation is not only politically, economically, and sociologically unsound, but it is morally wrong and sinful. Paul Tillich has said that sin is separation. Isn’t segregation an existential expression of man’s tragic separation, an expression of his awful estrangement, his terrible sinfulness? So I can urge men to obey the 1954 decision of the Supreme Court because it is morally right, and I can urge them to disobey segregation ordinances because they are morally wrong.

And yes: he also referred to Paul Tillich, one of the most influential Christian philosophers of the 20th century; and to Martin Buber, “the great Jewish philosopher.” (How you like them apples, Rabbi?) Let me emphasize here, if I didn’t do it enough before, that Dr. King wrote this letter in jail: without reference materials. He just knew all this stuff. (I mean, he did have a doctorate in systematic theology; and his dissertation was partly about Tillich’s work, so.) The only way to improve an ethos argument this strong, with references to authorities this relevant to both your point and your audience, is to show that you yourself are an authority to be reckoned with.

The argument itself is remarkable. He provides three different definitions of his distinction between just and unjust laws: first, a religious one — just laws square with the law of God (and note he includes non-religious people by also calling it “the moral law”, and then brings it back to religion and Aquinas by referring to the idea of laws “not rooted in eternal and natural law”); second, a psychological definition, saying that just laws uplift human personality and unjust laws degrade it; and third, Buber’s philosophical concept of the “I-it” relationship replacing the “I-thou” relationship, turning people into objects. Into things. And look at the use of parallelism here: three reasons why segregation is unsound, followed by another way that it is wrong (and adding the idea that segregation is sinful”; three different ways that segregation is an expression of man’s evil; and a juxtaposition of two antithetical examples that match King’s categories: one just law, and one unjust law.

Then, if that isn’t enough ways to help his audience understand this concept , King gives us this next paragraph:

Let us turn to a more concrete example of just and unjust laws. An unjust law is a code that a majority inflicts on a minority that is not binding on itself. This is difference made legal. On the other hand, a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow, and that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal.

That’s right, a more concrete definition, with another simple summative way to understand it: difference made legal, and sameness made legal. He’s right: this is more concrete, and has none of the religious overtones of the last paragraph — but it makes just as much sense, and is just as sound. Have we got enough ways to understand this now? Of course we do.

And then he adds another one:

Let me give another explanation. An unjust law is a code inflicted upon a minority which that minority had no part in enacting or creating because it did not have the unhampered right to vote. Who can say that the legislature of Alabama which set up the segregation laws was democratically elected? Throughout the state of Alabama all types of conniving methods are used to prevent Negroes from becoming registered voters, and there are some counties without a single Negro registered to vote, despite the fact that the Negroes constitute a majority of the population. Can any law set up in such a state be considered democratically structured?

Here Dr. King brings in another issue: voting rights. How can a law be democratic when the people were not capable of opposing nor supporting its passage, because of the suppression of their rights and their franchise? The argument is so plain and irrefutable that he doesn’t even bother to answer his rhetorical question. Instead, perhaps feeling understandably bitter as he sits in a jail cell writing about justice and injustice, Dr. King moves to one other complexity in the distinction between legal and just: when the application of a law makes it unjust. And I say he might have been bitter because his example is once again his own, talking about the city of Birmingham’s use of a parade permit ordinance to remove the civil rights activists’ First Amendment rights.

These are just a few examples of unjust and just laws. There are some instances when a law is just on its face and unjust in its application. For instance, I was arrested Friday on a charge of parading without a permit. Now, there is nothing wrong with an ordinance which requires a permit for a parade, but when the ordinance is used to preserve segregation and to deny citizens the First Amendment privilege of peaceful assembly and peaceful protest, then it becomes unjust.

Then he goes on to compare Birmingham first to three villains from history, and himself and his allies to the heroes who were suppressed by the villains — and then Dr. King confirms Godwin’s Law (Within a different context), while breaking the corollary to Godwin’s Law. Because Dr. King brings up Adolf Hitler. And THEN he throws in Stalin and Communism: it’s like the perfect American argument, here. Note that the three villains and heroes he mentions before going to the Nazis are both religious and political: Nebuchadnezzar, the Babylonian king who tried to kill the three Jewish prophets Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (I’M SORRY DR. KING I HAVE TO) in the Old Testament; the Romans, who tried to suppress Christianity with various atrocities; and the elite of Athens, who executed Socrates for teaching the truth. Note also that all three villains lost these fights.

Which side is Dr. King’s? Which side would you rather be on?

Of course, there is nothing new about this kind of civil disobedience. It was seen sublimely in the refusal of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to obey the laws of Nebuchadnezzar because a higher moral law was involved. It was practiced superbly by the early Christians, who were willing to face hungry lions and the excruciating pain of chopping blocks before submitting to certain unjust laws of the Roman Empire. To a degree, academic freedom is a reality today because Socrates practiced civil disobedience.


We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was “legal” and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was “illegal.” It was “illegal” to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler’s Germany. But I am sure that if I had lived in Germany during that time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers even though it was illegal. If I lived in a Communist country today where certain principles dear to the Christian faith are suppressed, I believe I would openly advocate disobeying these anti-religious laws.

Once again, Dr. King has made an argument so strong, so irrefutable at this point, after he has given so many different ways to understand it, and so many different reasons to accept it, that I really can’t fathom why people still don’t agree with this argument. Except for those who haven’t read it, of course.

The next part of King’s letter brings up the element that my brother, when I mentioned that I had written an essay about Dr. King, used to identify the Letter from Birmingham Jail as distinct from Dr. King’s other masterworks: “Ohhh,” he said to me on the phone when I was trying to tell him which piece I had analyzed, “is that the one with the white moderates?”

Yes it is.

I MUST make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizens Councillor or the Ku Klux Klanner but the white moderate who is more devoted to order than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can’t agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically feels that he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by the myth of time; and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a “more convenient season.” Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

He confesses: and then he destroys us with his disappointment. This part of the essay I have trouble reading and teaching; not because it’s too complicated, or too upsetting in its language and images (as some of my students find the Perfect Sentence I wrote about in the first post) — but because it’s true, and it’s me. I am a White moderate. I mean, I’m pretty goddamn liberal — but also, I don’t act in order to achieve a more just society; I simply support the cause. It’s not entirely me, because I don’t object to the methods used by those who are more active in pursuing our common goal; but it’s me because I don’t participate in those methods.

King here juxtaposes this critique of people who support the cause but not enough, with those who oppose the cause though they claim to be understanding of it: the Clergymen. No White moderates, those Alabamians; they seem like pretty rock-ribbed conservatives, fitting perfectly into the mold of paternalistic White leaders whom King refers to above, as they compliment “their” [“our”] Negro community for keeping the peace, which is exactly what King is taking issue with. But he does it in such an incredible way:

In your statement you asserted that our actions, even though peaceful, must be condemned because they precipitate violence. But can this assertion be logically made? Isn’t this like condemning the robbed man because his possession of money precipitated the evil act of robbery? Isn’t this like condemning Socrates because his unswerving commitment to truth and his philosophical delvings precipitated the misguided popular mind to make him drink the hemlock? Isn’t this like condemning Jesus because His unique God-consciousness and never-ceasing devotion to His will precipitated the evil act of crucifixion? We must come to see, as federal courts have consistently affirmed, that it is immoral to urge an individual to withdraw his efforts to gain his basic constitutional rights because the quest precipitates violence. Society must protect the robbed and punish the robber.

That’s right: not only does King compare himself, for the third time, to Socrates — now he actually compares himself to Jesus. And, of course, he’s right: blaming the victims of oppression for inciting the violence of the oppressors is precisely like blaming Jesus for making the Romans crucify him. And who does that in the story of the Passion?

Why, this guy, of course.

(I know, this is probably the wrong thing to use for this reference. But I love rock opera. Please ignore the ridiculous whiteness of the Jews in the crowd, and especially of Jesus — but DON’T ignore the AMAZING homoeroticism of the flogging performed by what appears to be The Village People, while a sunburned Disco hedonist looks on and cackles.)

In the next paragraph, King jumps back to the White moderates, connecting the two not only with their half-hearted support or opposition to King’s cause, but with a parallel to the teachings and goals of the Church:

I had also hoped that the white moderate would reject the myth of time. I received a letter this morning from a white brother in Texas which said, “All Christians know that the colored people will receive equal rights eventually, but is it possible that you are in too great of a religious hurry? It has taken Christianity almost 2000 years to accomplish what it has. The teachings of Christ take time to come to earth.” All that is said here grows out of a tragic misconception of time. It is the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, time is neutral. It can be used either destructively or constructively. I am coming to feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. We must come to see that human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and persistent work of men willing to be coworkers with God, and without this hard work time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation.

By putting these two groups, White moderates who say they support civil rights but oppose the methods used by the activists, and the Alabama clergymen who say they understand the desires of African-Americans for freedom but show they really would rather maintain the status quo of segregation and oppression, in such close parallel, switching back and forth with what almost seems a complete lack of connecting transitions between subjects, King achieves his goal: he shows that these groups are essentially the same. There is what they say, and then there is what they do: and their actions speak louder than their words. He is thus chastising both groups, by comparison to each other: the clergymen are no better than Northern White moderates, synonymous in the South with lying hypocrisy; and the White moderates are no better than White Southerners: synonymous with racist oppressors. Neither group is willing to be coworkers with God: they are the forces of social stagnation which the coworkers with God oppose.

(Okay, I don’t think that’s me any more. Though I still worry that I would disappoint Dr. King.)

Dr. King’s next argument has to do with “extremism.”

YOU spoke of our activity in Birmingham as extreme. At first I was rather disappointed that fellow clergymen would see my nonviolent efforts as those of an extremist. I started thinking about the fact that I stand in the middle of two opposing forces in the Negro community. One is a force of complacency made up of Negroes who, as a result of long years of oppression, have been so completely drained of self-respect and a sense of “somebodyness” that they have adjusted to segregation, and, on the other hand, of a few Negroes in the middle class who, because of a degree of academic and economic security and because at points they profit by segregation, have unconsciously become insensitive to the problems of the masses. The other force is one of bitterness and hatred and comes perilously close to advocating violence. It is expressed in the various black nationalist groups that are springing up over the nation, the largest and best known being Elijah Muhammad’s Muslim movement. This movement is nourished by the contemporary frustration over the continued existence of racial discrimination. It is made up of people who have lost faith in America, who have absolutely repudiated Christianity, and who have concluded that the white man is an incurable devil. I have tried to stand between these two forces, saying that we need not follow the do-nothingism of the complacent or the hatred and despair of the black nationalist. There is a more excellent way, of love and nonviolent protest. I’m grateful to God that, through the Negro church, the dimension of nonviolence entered our struggle. If this philosophy had not emerged, I am convinced that by now many streets of the South would be flowing with floods of blood. And I am further convinced that if our white brothers dismiss as “rabble-rousers” and “outside agitators” those of us who are working through the channels of nonviolent direct action and refuse to support our nonviolent efforts, millions of Negroes, out of frustration and despair, will seek solace and security in black nationalist ideologies, a development that will lead inevitably to a frightening racial nightmare.

Specifically, King is replying to this sentence in the Statement: “We do not believe that these days of new hope are days when extreme measures are justified in Birmingham.” (Blogger’s Note: Since I did that to them, I’m going to do this to Dr. King’s words: “We must come to see that human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability.“) This line clearly pissed King off: but more important, it’s an idea that he can’t allow to shape the narrative. So as he does with so many other parts of the Statement’s argument, he smashes this again, and again, and again. He shows the two extremes in the African-American community: one extreme is those African-Americans who have been worn down by the oppression that has defined their lives; and the other is — Malcolm X. King doesn’t name the other man, with whom he was so often presented in juxtaposition as two opposites, the moderate and the extremist; but he doesn’t have to. Elijah Muhammad (Himself no moderate) and his Nation of Islam are synonymous with Malcolm X, and though King and X were a hell of a lot closer in a lot of ways than most people thought or said, it is exactly these kinds of people, these southern Clergymen, who would have used King as an example of a better leader, a more reasonable leader, than X, because King used non-violence while Malcolm X talked about violence. I suspect this comparison and the implication that King was softer and more accommodating to the oppressors’ status quo, made the man angry: and so the description at the end of this paragraph — a fine example of Dr. King showing that he did not believe that non-violence was the only way to achieve freedom: just that it was the best way, as it would not lead to “floods of blood.” If the warning is not clear, he reiterates it in the next paragraph:

Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever. The urge for freedom will eventually come. This is what has happened to the American Negro. Something within has reminded him of his birthright of freedom; something without has reminded him that he can gain it. Consciously and unconsciously, he has been swept in by what the Germans call the Zeitgeist, and with his black brothers of Africa and his brown and yellow brothers of Asia, South America, and the Caribbean, he is moving with a sense of cosmic urgency toward the promised land of racial justice. Recognizing this vital urge that has engulfed the Negro community, one should readily understand public demonstrations. The Negro has many pent-up resentments and latent frustrations. He has to get them out. So let him march sometime; let him have his prayer pilgrimages to the city hall; understand why he must have sit-ins and freedom rides. If his repressed emotions do not come out in these nonviolent ways, they will come out in ominous expressions of violence. This is not a threat; it is a fact of history. So I have not said to my people, “Get rid of your discontent.” But I have tried to say that this normal and healthy discontent can be channeled through the creative outlet of nonviolent direct action. Now this approach is being dismissed as extremist. I must admit that I was initially disappointed in being so categorized.

But as I continued to think about the matter, I gradually gained a bit of satisfaction from being considered an extremist. Was not Jesus an extremist in love? — “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, pray for them that despitefully use you.” Was not Amos an extremist for justice? — “Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.” Was not Paul an extremist for the gospel of Jesus Christ? — “I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus.” Was not Martin Luther an extremist?– “Here I stand; I can do no other so help me God.” Was not John Bunyan an extremist? — “I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a mockery of my conscience.” Was not Abraham Lincoln an extremist? — “This nation cannot survive half slave and half free.” Was not Thomas Jefferson an extremist? — “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” So the question is not whether we will be extremist, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate, or will we be extremists for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice, or will we be extremists for the cause of justice?

(Note on the text: the iteration of the Letter I have been pulling from separates this into two paragraphs. This one doesn’t. I think it should be one paragraph.)

This is another of my favorite arguments, and not least because King again compares himself to Jesus Christ — and also to Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson, along with the Jewish and Christian luminaries Amos, St. Paul, Martin Luther, and John Bunyan. (Also I love that he drops his namesake in there without even batting an eye — and don’t forget that the vast majority of Southern White Christian racists were of Protestant denominations). I also love the rapid-fire call-and-response of rhetorical questions with direct quotations that serve both as answers and as proof, while making use of all of the poetry in these various wonderful statements, and also showing off, again, King’s own erudition and understanding of the power of the right word at the right time for the right reason. And then those final rhetorical questions, with the explicit use of “we” inviting the audience — the White moderate, the White Southern clergyman, and every single person who ever reads this letter, including me and including you — to come up with our own perfect words, our own response to this call. What will we do? What kind of extremist will we be?

After this King closes his criticism of White moderates with the most terrible form of the guilt-imposing “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” position that he is using here: the “Maybe I expected too much of you.”

I had hoped that the white moderate would see this. Maybe I was too optimistic. Maybe I expected too much. I guess I should have realized that few members of a race that has oppressed another race can understand or appreciate the deep groans and passionate yearnings of those that have been oppressed, and still fewer have the vision to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent, and determined action.

Look at that. Look at it! “I guess I should have realized?” GodDAMN, sir. I would like to personally apologize for everyone and everything, ever. He does lighten the load slightly by naming a number of White activists, primarily reporters who had given fair or even favorable coverage to the Civil Rights movement, and thanking them for their contribution. Which makes me feel a tiny bit better because I’m writing this. But I’m still sorry, sir. I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox, the ones you were saving.

This next part, though? I got nothing but smiles for this. Because then he goes after the church.

Honestly, I’m going to skip over this, because this is not my area. I have not attended church since around about 1986, and my personal animus for religion would color my analysis of this too much. I want to pick out every single detail where King tells his fellow clergymen that the White church has let him down, and highlight every one, like some kind of manic hybrid of a mother-in-law and Vanna White, finding every single possible fault and holding it up for the audience to observe, while I smile from ear to ear. But I won’t do that. I will just point out that he specifically mentions one of the Eight Clergymen, Reverend Earl Stallings, for his action in allowing Black worshippers into his church without segregating them; this seems to me like a direct response and even challenge to the passive aggressive way the Clergymen never name Dr. King, even though EVERYBODY FUCKING KNOWS THAT’S WHO THEY MEANT. “Outside agitators,” my ass. I still recommend reading the entire letter, including this section; but here I’m just going to post his conclusion, because it’s so damn beautiful.

I hope the church as a whole will meet the challenge of this decisive hour. But even if the church does not come to the aid of justice, I have no despair about the future. I have no fear about the outcome of our struggle in Birmingham, even if our motives are presently misunderstood. We will reach the goal of freedom in Birmingham and all over the nation, because the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with the destiny of America. Before the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, we were here. Before the pen of Jefferson scratched across the pages of history the majestic word of the Declaration of Independence, we were here. For more than two centuries our foreparents labored here without wages; they made cotton king; and they built the homes of their masters in the midst of brutal injustice and shameful humiliation — and yet out of a bottomless vitality our people continue to thrive and develop. If the inexpressible cruelties of slavery could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. We will win our freedom because the sacred heritage of our nation and the eternal will of God are embodied in our echoing demands.

“We were here.” I love that. “Our destiny is tied up with the destiny of America.” Just incredible.

At this point, having made all of his arguments, he’s almost — no, wait, he’s not done. He has one more thing to say.

I must close now. But before closing I am impelled to mention one other point in your statement that troubled me profoundly. You warmly commended the Birmingham police force for keeping “order” and “preventing violence.” I don’t believe you would have so warmly commended the police force if you had seen its angry violent dogs literally biting six unarmed, nonviolent Negroes. I don’t believe you would so quickly commend the policemen if you would observe their ugly and inhuman treatment of Negroes here in the city jail; if you would watch them push and curse old Negro women and young Negro girls; if you would see them slap and kick old Negro men and young boys, if you would observe them, as they did on two occasions, refusing to give us food because we wanted to sing our grace together. I’m sorry that I can’t join you in your praise for the police department. It is true that they have been rather disciplined in their public handling of the demonstrators. In this sense they have been publicly “nonviolent.” But for what purpose? To preserve the evil system of segregation. Over the last few years I have consistently preached that nonviolence demands that the means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek. So I have tried to make it clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends. But now I must affirm that it is just as wrong, or even more, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends.


I wish you had commended the Negro demonstrators of Birmingham for their sublime courage, their willingness to suffer, and their amazing discipline in the midst of the most inhuman provocation. One day the South will recognize its real heroes. They will be the James Merediths, courageously and with a majestic sense of purpose facing jeering and hostile mobs and the agonizing loneliness that characterizes the life of the pioneer. They will be old, oppressed, battered Negro women, symbolized in a seventy-two-year-old woman of Montgomery, Alabama, who rose up with a sense of dignity and with her people decided not to ride the segregated buses, and responded to one who inquired about her tiredness with ungrammatical profundity, “My feets is tired, but my soul is rested.” They will be young high school and college students, young ministers of the gospel and a host of their elders courageously and nonviolently sitting in at lunch counters and willingly going to jail for conscience’s sake. One day the South will know that when these disinherited children of God sat down at lunch counters they were in reality standing up for the best in the American dream and the most sacred values in our Judeo-Christian heritage.

He leaves this until the end. He knows that this is the one part of this letter most likely to anger his readers, because he is here criticizing the police — and even now, 60 years later (And please note that this April will be the 60th anniversary of this whole ordeal), I think we all know what happens to people who criticize the police. But he can’t not say this. He doesn’t have proof, not that the Clergymen or the White readership at large will accept — it is only the word of the arrested activists; nobody was there with a cell phone to record this scene — and you can see his bitter acknowledgement of the superficial truth of what the Clergymen said, that the police have been “rather disciplined in their public handling of the demonstrators.” Though even there, look at the use of the phrase “rather disciplined,” instead of the words “calm” and “restraint” which the Clergymen used. Notice the emphasis on “public,” immediately contradicted by the word “handling,” with its implication of manhandling, echoed in the word “disciplined,” with its sense of harsh control and even physical punishment. But of course, because he is Dr. Martin Luther King, he immediately shows how this example is the precise opposite of the “nonviolent” label the police might claim: because they are pursuing immoral ends. And they are contrasted against the truly nonviolent protestors and pioneers, who use genuine nonviolence to promote moral ends of justice — “the best in the American dream and the most sacred values in our Judeo-Christian heritage.” And since this comes here, at the very end, it has extra weight — I do think the overall length of this letter does make this seem more like a postscript than a strong conclusion; I think the passage I quoted above, at the end of the section about the church, is the real conclusion — but this is one final blow that is impossible to ignore. But of course, the police do not get the last word: that goes to the real heroes of the South, James Meredith, and Rosa Parks, and all of the people who fought alongside Dr. King for freedom. I, for one, would like to thank them all for their courage and their honor and their sacrifice.

Speaking of postscripts — and of too-lengthy writings, which need to finally be brought to a close — let me just end with the saltiest “Yours truly” in the history of letters:

If I have said anything in this letter that is an understatement of the truth and is indicative of an unreasonable impatience, I beg you to forgive me. If I have said anything in this letter that is an overstatement of the truth and is indicative of my having a patience that makes me patient with anything less than brotherhood, I beg God to forgive me.

Because in the end, even though the accusation that the civil rights movement and Dr. King were “impatient,” were “unwise and untimely,” was entirely false and absurd — it would be much, much worse if Dr. King were too patient.

And now, Dr. King’s actual “Yours truly,” which I would humbly like to echo myself, to everyone who reads this.

Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood

Wallingford prepares for MLK Day ceremony

Sneak Preview! Dusty Wrote A Vampire Book!

It’s getting close, now.

The Tucson Festival of Books is one month from now. Four weeks.

This week I ordered my copies of the two Damnation Kane books, 30 of Volume I and 20 of Volume II; I should have waited, but I got worried that I might not have anything to sell at the Festival, and I hated that idea, so now I can at least be sure that I will have 50 copies of books about pirates. So I just have to hope that everyone who comes by is new, and hasn’t already bought both of those books. (Since I brought and sold the same number last year, there are at least ten people who bought the first book and not the second; so hopefully if they come back, they’ll want Volume II.)

But once I had that set, I turned to the new book.

Which was a pain in the butt.

I hadn’t put a book together at Lulu.com, which does my printing and online sales for me, for, what, three years? I forgot the difficulties in making the text look the way it’s supposed to look for the paper book. I edited the whole thing — 128,000 words, it is — and then I thought I’d be able to just drop it into the template I downloaded from Lulu. So I Control-A, Control-C, and Control-V — and the template disappears, and the text is formatted like the original document, set up for 8.5×11 pages instead of the 6×9 trade paperback format. I tried it again, same thing. Downloaded a new template, tried it again — same thing.

So I had to drop the text into Notepad: which erases all formatting.

Which included all of the italics. In 128,000 words.

But at least the margins were right.

So I’ve been going through the text and putting all the italics back. It’s been good, actually: I caught a couple more mistakes, made a few changes I like; I think the book is a little stronger for the effort I’ve put in this week.

And then when I put this chapter into this post, I realized I missed an incongruity: I changed the timeline of the book a few years, for the sake of believability for a later important chapter (where characters needed to be a leeetle bit younger), and missed one of the references I made. So now I need to double check all the time references to make sure I didn’t miss any others.

Sigh.

It’s fine. The book may not be out in time for the Festival, but even if it isn’t, I will publish it — and anyone who is interested in purchasing a copy can get it directly from me. Signed, sealed, and even delivered, if you live in the Tucson area and don’t mind me dropping by your house, or you want to come to my school.

So in order to keep you all as excited about this new book as I am, here’s another sneak preview: this is the first chapter, which comes right after the Prologue I posted before. I hope you like it!

Chapter 1

            I don’t remember dying.

            You’d think I would, wouldn’t you? The narrowing of vision as everything faded to black, the tunnel of light, the sight of loved ones there waiting for me: Gramps, and Uncle Bill, and Oscar, my first dog. If my buddies in the Army counted as loved ones, there’s be a whole parade of faces at the end of that tunnel. Though they might not be so happy to see me. I’m sure a psychologist would call it survivor’s guilt, the idea that my friends who died would hate me for living, but what the hell does a shrink know? If it’d been me who’d gotten nailed, I would have been royally pissed at everyone who made it out, who made it back to the world. Hell, I am pissed at all of you. That’s why I eat you.

            But I don’t remember any of it. The lack of memory might be because of the way of my dying: it could have been the booze, it might have been the smack, but whatever it was, whether it was cirrhosis or a heart attack or a stroke brought on by the abuse I put my body through in those last few years, I’m sure that at the time I was so wasted I didn’t feel a thing. I probably slept through my own death, which, I know, sounds peaceful and all – but I wish I could remember. I might even have been murdered, lying unconscious in an alley somewhere; I have scars I can’t account for, can’t remember where they came from – though there are plenty of ways I could have gotten those. I lived through my tour in ‘Nam, but I doubt that anyone came out of that without scars.

            I remember ‘Nam. I remember the fear, and I remember the disgust; and I remember the anger that came out of them, and made it possible to pull that trigger. More than anything I remember being tired: just wanting to sleep, sleep for years. I remember other things, too, but I don’t look at those memories. They were what pushed me into the haze of alcohol and drugs that carried me like a sleeping baby into the darkness at the end.

            I remember a few things from before the war: Mom and Dad, my sister Anne, my little brother Franklin, the farm in rural Iowa. I remember some things from after: San Francisco and the Haight, the few moments of lucidity in between stupors that could have lasted for weeks, months, or even years. I do remember a girl, kisses and whispers and silky movement under the moonlight, and for that memory, I’m grateful.

            For the most part, though, those days blended together into a thick gray fog, without beginning or end, for so long that I lost track. I wouldn’t have any idea how old I was when I died, except that I know what year it is now, and I know how long it has been since I shuffled off this mortal coil, and awoke again to see that face looming over me, awash in the haze of red light that has tinted everything I have seen from that day to this. A little subtraction tells me the answer: I was 27 when I died 29 years ago. I’d be 56 now, if I was still alive.

            But I’m not alive now, walking and talking notwithstanding. Those don’t count. You’re not alive if you don’t age: your years on this earth are nothing if there’s to be no end to them. The two absolutes are that everything must be born and everything must die; if one of those (or both) does not apply to you, then you are – nothing. My body may function, my eyes may still see, my ears hear; I may still think and feel, a little; but I’m dead. I killed myself in 1978, another delayed casualty of a war that nobody won.

            I was not reborn on that night when the vampire brought me back. I was remade. No longer human, not quite a machine, but a combination of both living thing and automaton. I am a slave, and I may very well remain a slave until the sun goes out. Who knows? Even that may not be the end. My master is a creature of the night, after all; perhaps the perfect blackness of space would be his idea of Heaven.

            Christ knows if there is a heaven like the one in the Bible, then he ain’t getting in. But then, neither am I.

            I walked into the apartment and threw my keys on the table by the door.  I was stripping off my clothes before the door even swung shut, dropping them on the floor in a line headed toward the shower. I had had to take a dip in the Bay, after, to wash all the blood off; I used the kid’s clothes to dry myself before getting dressed again. But then I had to bury him, along with his clothes, and that was a dirty business. Besides, you think the Bay smells bad to you? Try my nose on for size. Between the stink of sewage and rotting fish, the iron-scent of blood that lingered underneath, and the smells from his clothing, his sweat and soap and cologne, I felt like I would gag every time I caught a whiff of myself. The thought made me laugh. I could devour a human being with relish and pleasure, commit heinous and depraved acts at the whim of my master without batting an eye – but the smell of polluted water and body odor made me sick.

            When I didn’t stink any more, I got out, toweled off, and walked out of the bathroom. I spotted my clothes lying where I had left them like scraps of scraped-off onion skin, and went to pick them up. I went to the kitchen and pulled a large plastic garbage bag off the roll on the counter, shoved the suit into it and tied the bag closed. I dumped it outside the door, in the hallway. My laundry was picked up and dropped off each day. If they were going to clean it anyway, what did wrinkles matter, right? Besides, I had a dozen more suits just like that one – my livery, so to speak.

            I walked out into the main room of the apartment and looked around. The only furniture was the overstuffed, oversized armchair in front of the windows, the catch-all table by the door, and the stereo system that sat on the floor by one wall. I don’t have anything else because there’s nothing else I really need – not now.

            I haven’t turned the stereo on more than half a dozen times in the last two years. I used to listen to it every waking moment. The apartment used to be filled with books, and there used to be art on the walls, and even, as God is my witness, a potted plant on the windowsill. But that was before. I realized that nothing I could put in this apartment would make it anything but a cage, a kennel for the dog. So I took everything out, threw it all away because I didn’t know anyone I could give it to and I couldn’t see myself holding a garage sale. I kept the stereo because – I don’t know why. I’ll get rid of it, too. Soon.

             Suddenly I couldn’t stay in here any longer. I couldn’t smell the Bay, or the blood and sweat and the stink of humanity – but I could smell myself. Nothing in here but the stale smell of me, the hours – the years – I had spent sitting in that chair, watching the sun rise because it was the only rebellion I allowed myself, to look at what my master could not. I could smell every one of the days and weeks I had spent in this apartment, in some pathetic mockery of life; I could see it smeared on the walls and dripping from the ceiling. I had to get outside.

            I went to my closet, donned a pair of pants and a dark shirt, shoved my feet into loafers without socks, and left, throwing on my overcoat as an afterthought on the way out the door. I left the door unlocked. Any thief could have whatever he could find in there. It was all trash.

***

            I went downstairs and out onto the sidewalk, and I started walking. All I could think about with every step was how many times I had walked this way: how many times I had come up this street, gone through that door; how many times I had walked up the five flights of stairs to my apartment – no, that wasn’t right. Not my apartment: the apartment where they kept me. How many times I had washed blood from my skin and left a bag of stinking clothing in the hallway.

            Almost thirty years. And I barely remembered the first ten.

            Oh, they picked a good one when they found me, all right. Not that they knew my personality, of course, or the particular shape of the demons that drove their needles into my brain and dragged me down Skid Row to the morgue. They knew that I was young, that I had been in the military and thus had combat training, that I was big – a corn-fed Iowa farmboy – and that I had no family, proven by the fact that I died a derelict junkie on the streets of San Francisco, and my body then lay unclaimed in the morgue for a week. They might not even have cared about that last when they picked me out of the morgue drawer and laid me out for the ritual. I died young and left a good-looking corpse, and that was all they needed.

            No. That’s not true, and I knew it. They did not want a zombie: they wanted a monster. That’s why they picked me. They knew exactly what my demons were: knew that I suffered from a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder, knew that I drank and drugged myself to death to escape the memories of what I had done. This made me even more attractive to them: it showed that I take orders well, that I would do what my superiors commanded even if I personally found it so horrifying that I would rather be dead than remember it. After all, I killed myself so that I could forget – but I did the things I wanted to forget in the first place, didn’t I? I was already a monster before I died. I was already a slave. The vampires just gave me sharper teeth.

            But dying had done what I had wanted it to do: it had given me oblivion. At least for a while. For a long while, actually; for ten years, I hadn’t had a coherent, rational thought. I don’t know why that changed, not exactly. But it had: I had woken up, and my mind woke up with me; and once I started thinking again, I couldn’t stop. So I had tried to find a different way to live with what I was. That was when I decided that hedonism would make up for the fact that I was an undead monster.

            It still makes sense, in a way. It seems to me that we all have to pay for what we’ve got. If you have a good life, you owe, and you have to pay. A debit for a credit – balance the books. If I have been given this eternal life – eternal barring a violent death, of course – then I have to do something to earn it, to be worthy of what I have.

            And what makes us worthy of life? Living to our purpose. If, say, we are here to spread the word of God, then that’s what we need to do, and the happier and more enjoyable our lives are, the harder we have to work to earn that by spreading His word that much farther.

Of course, being an undead man-eating ghoul who hurts people for a crime syndicate run by a soulless monster pretty much eliminates “spreading the word of God” as my purpose, don’t you think? Yeah. Me too.

            No, when I started thinking again for the first time in ten years, I decided that my purpose was more earthy, something simple and concrete. I figured that a creature as unnatural as me has to work as hard as possible to make life as natural as possible, and to enjoy the natural parts of life as much as I can. Thoreau would have sent me to Walden and told me to grow crops, but to me, the natural parts of life are all the things that make humans human. That set humans apart from animals. Good music. Art. Literature and philosophy and science, wisdom and knowledge and imagination.

            After all those years living without thinking, I started spending all of my time doing just that: thinking. Learning. Reading, listening, seeing. I swam in a sea of beauty and truth, truth and beauty – and splashed as well through ugliness and lies and bloody, pointless deaths that put the cap on tawdry, shallow little lives. They were the twin currents that spun me, like a leaf in a stream, for almost twenty years. When I had a job to do for my master, or when I got hungry, I threw myself into the blood, into the pain and fear and death, and tried to revel in the animalistic slaughter. I tried to feel like the predator my rebirth had made me. When I didn’t have a job, when it was just me, then I read every book I could, I listened to as much music as I could, I saw every piece of art on display in San Francisco and as many other places as I could get to within my limitations.

            And for most of that time, for most of eighteen years, it was fine – I was fine. I actually enjoyed it, enjoyed the passionate lives I glimpsed in the jazz clubs and the galleries, in the books and on the streets, sweating and loving and bleeding and crying and laughing and dying. I loved it, loved them. Loved life.

            But the more I learned to love life, the worse it made me feel when I ended it for others. Every time I did it, every time I killed, I reduced a human being from the height of divine creation and earthly evolution to a mere bag of flesh and blood and bone. The more I learned to respect and cherish those lives and all that they were capable of, the more I hated myself for ending them, just so I could go on enjoying what they had made.

            And so, when I couldn’t stand it any more, I stopped. Stopped learning, stopped living life to its fullest, because it wasn’t my life that I was living. I already threw away my life, with a little help from Uncle Sam and Jack Daniels. Enjoying my stolen life as much as possible didn’t make it any less stolen: it made it more so.

            For the past two years, then, I have been trying to live like I did the first ten years after I was remade: without thought, without any connection to the world or events around me. Maybe I’m trying to atone for my life by not enjoying it now; I don’t know. I’m trying not to think that hard about why I do what I do, why I am what I am.

            But it isn’t working. I can spend my time brooding instead of reading, hating myself and the world instead of enjoying it, but I can’t get rid of the sick feeling in my gut. I can’t seem to wash off the stink. I can’t go back to ignorance. I can’t go back to being dead.

            I wish I could.

            I looked up then and saw that I had walked quite a ways, from my apartment near Fisherman’s Wharf to Dogpatch, at the base of Potrero Hill. I realized my hands were in the pockets of my coat, and I felt my sunglasses; startled to find that I wasn’t wearing them, I hurriedly put them on. It made me notice the light in the air, that the sun would be rising soon. I needed to head back. I got my bearings, turned around – and stopped.

            I knew that Hummer.

            I dug around in my overcoat, and found what I needed in the inside pocket: a small notebook, one of those things you can pick up for a buck at any drugstore – one of those things that makes an old Iowa boy like me think, “Back in my day, we could buy that for a nickel!” I flipped through the pages, scanning the entries, glancing up now and again to check the license plate on the forest green Hummer that was parked with two wheels up on the sidewalk to accommodate the thing’s wide wheel base. And there it was: almost two months ago now, the note “tree grn Hum. 3AHN619. 2x hit.” And then, underlined twice: “FAT.”

            I believe in karma. Maybe not the karma that a Hindu or a Buddhist would know; I believe in my own version of karma. It’s back to that balancing act I think we all have to do: something good to make up for something bad. There may be a power in the universe that takes care of that for us, but I don’t have enough patience to wait for it. I like to help out. It makes me feel useful. So I keep this little notebook, and when I see somebody do something that requires punishment, I write it down – and when I get a chance, sometime down the road a bit, I carry out that punishment. This notebook is my karma to-do list.

            Here in San Francisco, I try to focus on the most common, most frustrating, and least punished offenders: bad parkers.

            If you’ve never been to San Francisco, understand this: while every city has parking problems, good ol’ Frisco has the added bonus of being built on steep hills, with narrow, twisting streets, often one-way, often with a stop sign right at the peak. So not only is parking hard to find, but actually getting into a spot can be next to impossible. Naturally, not everyone handles this challenge well; naturally, when someone does it badly – or worse, rudely – it makes an already difficult situation into a melting pot of imminent murder.

            My job, then, as the karma assistant, is to teach bad parkers a lesson, in the hopes that they will change their ways, and make every driver’s life a little easier.

            This particular twit had, my note said, smashed into two cars while I watched – front and back – while trying to pull out of a space, and then driven off without even leaving a note. And because he drove a Hummer, his damage had been minimal, and all to the bottom of his massive black bumpers; but he had torn huge gashes in the hoods of both other cars. I had been hoping that I would have a chance at this one, and here it was. Just when I needed it most.

            I glanced around quickly to see if anyone was watching; it wasn’t yet dawn, though it was close, and the streetlights were just flickering off. People would be moving around soon, but right now, they were still hitting the Snooze button or getting into the shower. I had a few minutes.

            I moved around to the street side, the driver’s side, and lay down on my left side next to the mighty green beast. I reached under and took hold of the front axle, just behind the wheel, with both hands, and then I squeezed and twisted. Slowly and carefully, because I wanted to get it just right. Another little twist, and – there! The body of the car settled, just a little bit, but it held when I let go. I rolled over to my other side and turned around, and then did the same to the rear axle, crumpling the metal just enough to make the chassis sag maybe an inch, but no more. Then I slipped around to the sidewalk side and did the last two wheels.

            My goal here was simple: I had observed that the driver of this Hummer was, shall we say, built proportionally to his grossly oversized vehicle – hence the subtle notation “FAT” in my notebook. If I did this right with the wheels, then he wouldn’t notice anything wrong with his car until he sat in it – when the axles would fail and the wheels would all fold, and the whole thing would come crashing down. He wouldn’t even be able to get the thing towed, not without on-the-spot repairs of some kind, or else a crane. Which served him right. Really: how hard is it to leave a note? You can afford a Hummer, but not the insurance bill? How about two new axles, pal: can you afford those?

            I finished, and slid out from under the metal behemoth (which now rested on dainty girlish ankles, so to speak). I nearly queered the whole deal when I nudged it with my shoulder as I twisted my torso to get my hands under me; the metal groaned slightly and quivered, and I went absolutely still, holding my breath and waiting. It didn’t fall. I scooted a foot away and then came to my feet quickly, dusting myself off and checking for witnesses. None. I was clear.

            I just hoped the owner moved quickly, too, and jumped in before he discovered what I had done to the Hummer. But even if he didn’t get to sit down harder than he expected, I still got to cross this one off my karma to-do list, and there’s nothing better than completing a to-do list. Maybe I should make myself a complete self-improvement list – you know, things like “Adjust to new lifestyle” and “Learn to accept adversity with a zen-like serenity.” Maybe even “Free self from magically enforced servitude.”  But at any rate, I felt better now than I had when I left the apartment. My head felt clearer.

            I headed back. Home.