What I Didn’t Do Today:

I didn’t grade any student work. Even though my students are asking about their grades, even though my school’s Educational Learning Opportunities Plan includes this:

Recognizing that quality feedback is required for highly effective learning environments and students’ success, teachers should provide relevant, timely, and specific feedback to students on any new instructional content.

I also didn’t include the required

Articulation of specific learning objectives that students will “know and be able to do”.

Didn’t do any of that. I also didn’t point out “educational learning” is offensively redundant, and I didn’t argue that there’s no way this could ever be considered a “highly effective learning environment,” and I didn’t raise one eyebrow snobbishly and sneer at the period outside the quotation marks.

I also didn’t teach three of my classes. I have provided work for them for the week, but today I did nothing. Didn’t look at their Google Classroom, didn’t reach out and contact those who haven’t turned in work, didn’t schedule individual video chats for those students who might need extra help. I didn’t even worry about them today. Not even the ones who are genuinely struggling. I am consciously avoiding worrying about them right now.

Because I can’t do anything to help. Today I didn’t feel bad about the fact that I can’t do anything to help. Well. Not much, at least.

I didn’t exercise today. I mean, I walked my dogs, so I guess that counts; but I’ve been trying to do sit-ups and push-ups and stuff, and I didn’t do that today.

I didn’t eat healthy, didn’t watch my food intake, didn’t limit my portions, didn’t avoid sugar or caffeine. I didn’t watch my cholesterol even though the doctor said it was too high. I didn’t take any fish oil, either. I did wonder whether the fish oil is harvested, or rendered. Like, do they squeeze the oil out some part of the fish, some oil sac? Or do they grind the fish up and then squeeze the oil out of the resulting mush?

None of this is making it more likely I will take my fish oil. Which means I probably won’t be keeping that follow-up doctor appointment. Maybe I can tell myself I’m keeping them from using up PPE for a routine visit.

I did not listen to or watch the news today. On my walk with the dogs, when I usually listen to NPR, I listened to a podcast (Bundyville, which was recommended to me and I will recommend to you: because it’s the story of  Cliven Bundy and his family, and their standoff with the BLM over ranching fees in Nevada and their takeover of the Malheur Bird Sanctuary in Oregon. And it’s a trip.) and music on Pandora. I don’t know what the current numbers are, nor what Trump fucked up today.

I didn’t clean today. No vacuuming, no dusting, no mopping, no laundry. I haven’t washed the dinner dishes yet.

I did make dinner. I’m proud of that. Ziti with roasted vegetables. It was delicious. I ate too much of it.

I did not read a book today. I  haven’t read any books, not all the way through, since the quarantine started. I haven’t worked on my books, haven’t written anything other than these quick little blogs, in, well, a long time. I’m now posting this too late for it even to be worth it. But at least I wrote it. I did that.

I got in a political debate on Facebook, and avoided another one. I said things I probably shouldn’t, but I said things that needed saying. I thought about writing about the issue for this blog, but I didn’t; I asked my wife what I should write about, and she said this. Well. Sort of this. She said I should write about how we’re all doing our best, and the situation is incredibly hard, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, and just making it through is enough. So I’m trying.

I haven’t played guitar. Haven’t watched the movies I meant to watch. I haven’t sent my book to an agent, and I haven’t inquired about getting my podcast picked up by an online education system. I haven’t checked in with the College Board about my would-be summer job grading AP essays — actually, let me do that right now.

Okay, now I did that last one.

But I haven’t done the rest. I haven’t done a hundred things I meant to do, I mean to do, a hundred things I think are important.

But you know what I have done?

I’ve survived. I’ve made it through another day doing what I needed to do. I’ve slept, and woke, and eaten; I showered, I worked. I kept going under a weight of anxiety that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced  before, and tried to support people trying to lift and carry the same weight. I tried to do the right thing, and to remember that the key is just to keep going. That this will take a long time. A very long time. It’s a marathon. The whole point is to outlast, to make it through, and to keep pushing. Doing that is enough. Surviving is enough. It’s hard, and it’s draining, and it’s depressing and scary and frustrating, and it feels like it will never end: but it will. We just have to keep doing it. If we keep going, keep trying, that’s enough.

I haven’t done everything I wanted to, haven’t done everything I should.

I’ve done enough.